i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
