Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
