Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
