Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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