You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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