First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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