I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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