If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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