Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
