God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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