Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I will be naked everywhere
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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