apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
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