i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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