wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
