I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
