There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
