You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
