apparently the secret to your success is patron
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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