so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
FUCK WHALES
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
