DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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