Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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