And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
