I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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