hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
