even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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