Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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