i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Are we still banned from the library?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
