We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
