Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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