i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
