How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
why is half of my head shaved?
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