Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
