I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
