There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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