Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
