He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
