She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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