I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
