well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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