Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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