and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
