tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
