I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
