your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
