Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
