i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I have demons in me.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
