I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My vagina just clenched in fear
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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