i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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