Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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