Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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