Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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