He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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